Ann Coulter Hates True Patriot Jermaine Jones and American Hero John Brooks

Ann Coulter wrote a soccer piece this week. In which, she painfully works her way through a thousand words with the kind of energy that can only give off the vibe of someone who hates writing. And, Freedom. But, not soccer. After reading the article I genuinely have no idea of Coulter’s true feelings on soccer. At best, she’s indifferent to the sport. She doesn’t hate it. If you hate something, you’re going to come up with reasons to hate it other than recycled concepts that are decades old. A Google search of “Ann Coulter soccer” shows that the article has picked up mainstream traction. But, not so much among soccer fans.

So, how did an article clearly designed to troll soccer fans and Patriots fail so fuckin’ hard?

(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. 

She’s got a list. And, she opens with this hot take. You know it’s a hot take because it has no relevance to anything to do with soccer. Proper trolling is all about hanging around the periphery. She’s failed here.

There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. 

With this statement, she clearly shows her hatred for John Brooks. An American Hero if I’ve ever seen one.

Again, the thing about trolling is that you need to relate it somewhat back to the actual thing you want people to go crazy about. You can’t troll people watching soccer and then give an opinion based on what you saw while driving your car past a soccer field full of children having fun and eating orange slices.

(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level. 

I guess you could say this is a saavy veteran move, as she transitions trolling soccer fans and people who like America  into attempting to troll, whom? Women?

(3) No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer.

I know, right?!

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box. 

Yeah! Fuck You Lionel Messi. Sittin’ on the field after a soccer game just straight loungin’ with your capri sun like you’ve done something.

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Luis Suarez Headbutts Chiellini, teeth land in awkward biting position on shoulder…OK…he bit a dude!

Luis Suarez bit Italian player Giorgio Chiellini today in Uruguay’s 1-0 victory over Italy to advance to the Knockout stage.

If you’re new to soccer, you may ask yourself, “wow, has anyone ever bit anyone during a match before?”

yes.

Luis Suarez has had the taste for human flesh once before. Wait…twice before. This is his third biting incident. He bites people at a higher rate than Lebron James opts out of contracts.

FEED HIM. FOR. FUCKS. SAKE.

Trail Mix. Allow it on the pitch. Goldfishes. Any kind of crackers. Give this man a full meal if that’s what it takes. This is the third time he has snacked on a dude during a game.

If he needs meat based snacks, let him snap into a Slim Jim.

How does this keep happening?

Anyway, he already has a

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USA vs. Portugal: A very in-depth Prediction Post

Halftime – Portugal 1 USA 0

48th minute: Portugal 1 USA 1

55th: USA 2 Portugal 1

whenever: USA 3 Portugal 1

USA USA USA USA USA

 

Jozy Altidore is Officially Out. Here are some Options for USA Soccer to Replace Him

Jozy Altidore was officially ruled out for the Portugal match today. No surprise there. Here are some options to replace Jozy.

 

Play John Brooks at striker. Yes, he’s a center back. Yes, he scored that goal off a header. No, I’ve never seen him play striker and he doesn’t seem to fit the quote-un-quote mold of a striker. However, I do know John Brooks is a Great American. And, the one thing that is true about all Great American’s is that they can do whatever the hell they want.

Play that guy from Clint Dempsey’s Don’t Tread music video. The guy with the “RIP FAT PAT” T-shirt on at the start who has a phone call with Clint. Reasoning: Anything that can help USA prevent Portugal from treading is a good thing. Plus

Play Graham Zusi. This

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Spain vs. Chile: First Half Analysis starring Gus Fring

First Half Analysis of Spain vs. Chile, starring the most iconic Chilean I know, Gus Fring (Breaking Bad Spoiler Alert, yo):

So, Who is Spying on the French at the World Cup?

Didier Deschamps has expressed concerns that France’s preparations for Sunday’s opening game against Honduras have been compromised by a possible spying mission after a drone hovered over their training camp in Brazil.

Source: The Guardian

Noted spying exploitists, The Guardian, have published an article today where the French manager has stated a belief that a drone spied on his team as they trained in Brazil. Who would do such a thing? I mean, really, what’s the best case scenario here? Overhead footage of players running around a bit and then drinking water?

No One: 1:1. The most likely outcome is that Didier Deschamps is full of shit.

Honduras: 1,000 to 1. France’s first opponent at the World Cup. Would they look for any possible leg up in the competition? Yes. But, they’re not about to invest in drone technology

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Italy Wanted Time-Outs in Their Win Over England

Italy defeated England at the World Cup yesterday by a score of 2-1. The match was very exciting for the first 70ish minutes. When Italy scored first in the 35th minute, England scored their response within minutes.

So, what happened to this game? The heat, apparently.

The heat affected the game so much that Italian coach Cesare Prandelli was trying to get a timeout.

“We were suffering and it’s crazy not to have timeouts, so I had to tell my team to drop our rhythm instead,”

Source: ESPNFC

Timeouts and soccer, is there a precedent? I have no idea. I’ve never seen one. Except for when players fall to the ground after not getting touched and then they roll around grabbing their ankle. There’s a lot of timeouts for that. Also, a lot of timeouts for when an official

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World Cup Preview Group H

Russia are currently in Group H, until, of course, they decide they would like to join another Group and send paramilitary dudes over to Group C to nudge Colombia out of the way. I’ll be honest, just looking at the names on this Russian squad, I feel as if they are more suited for figure skating. You’re really going to attempt to tell me that Alexsandr Samedov is much better at soccer than he is at …(looks up figure skating on wikipedia)…at Walley Jumps? He isn’t.

They do have several players I have heard of. Alan Dzagoev played great at EURO 2012 and everyone said, “man, you should go play in the Premier League” and Dzagoev basically nodded his head and stayed in Russia. I assume that must mean that he would be killed if he tried to leave Russia.

Defender Sergei Ignashevich is most known for telling a player from Azerbaijan, “If he dies, he dies.” Now, come on, he’s not a heartless monster. He was just quoting Rocky IV to the Azerbaijan players in order to bond with them. Still, it is his most famous moment.

The thing about South Korea is mostly that I did not realize they were in this Tournament, and likely confused some of their players for players on (don’t say Japan, don’t say Japan)…Croatia. But, I know very little about this team other than their midfielders that play in Wales and the fact that they ain’t shit at steering ferries. I am most excited to see Son Heung-Min. Son gets a lot of hype, but plays for a Bundesliga team that is not Bayern Munich or Borussia Dortmund. So, I have not seen much of him. According to FIFA 14, he is left footed and can play a wing position, and, really, any number of attack positions.

I am very proud of myself that it took all the way until the final group before I relented and used FIFA 14 as a reference.

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World Cup Preview: USA USA USA

This preview is only about the USA. For the Preview of the rest of their Group, including a very comprehensive Ghana preview: Click here.

The accepted best case scenario for USA soccer is that if their World Cup played out like the script of Cool Runnings then folks would be OK with it. Geoff Cameron standing next to Matt Besler in the mirror. Cameron hyping Besler up. I see Pride. I see Power. I see a badass mother who don’t take crap off of nobody! Then a fight with the West German team at the bar. Then, a USA team that looks like they’re about to accomplish something. Then a collapse with reality hitting hard. All of that plus mix in a training montage scene set to 1980′s music.

Most would consider that a success. Especially in the “Group of Death.” But, if we’re being honest, that Group label is more realistically “Group of Germany and Portugal should advance.” No matter how much you talk up USA, they really only advance if Portugal slips and USA plays really well. Obviously that can happen. But, it’s not entirely likely and there are two other groups where the 2nd/3rd teams are much closer than Portugal/USA. Netherlands and Chile. England and Uruguay.

Here’s a picture of USA midfielder Kyle Beckerman:

beckerman, chillin' y'all

Did you just say, “I bet that dude brings a guitar and a bunch of weed to Brazil”? Well, he did. Here’s Beckerman arriving in Brazil. The weed, at least, we can “confirm” by how high he looks in that picture. He has a guitar case, but, I can’t confirm he doesn’t just have a bunch of guns in there.

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World Cup Preview: Group G…Ghana, Portugal, USA, Germany

I was getting worried about this preview. As you may have noticed these previews are not so much about tactical analysis. So, I was getting worried about having the right material for this group. Is there even anything to make fun of when it comes to America?  I doubt it. Germany is rather boring. Portugal? What even is that place? And, Ghana, sure, I scoured Wikipedia and found out that they have one of the highest school enrollment rates in Africa, at 95%, and I could make fun of them feeling like they need education. But, really, I had very little to go on. Until yesterday.

New York Jets Teach Cristiano Ronaldo How to Throw a Football

But, who taught the New York Jets? The Jets quarterbacks are so bad that they had Wide Receiver David Nelson attempting to teach Ronaldo how to throw a football. Ronaldo then decided to kick footballs. Which then led to the Jets all laughing at him for being a silly placekicker. Then, Ronaldo cried. So, all in all it was a pretty good little day for Portugal at Jets camp.

Also fitting that apparently the only Portuguese they attempted to teach real-football to was Cristiano Ronaldo. There might be other players on Portugal, but, none matter outside of Ronaldo. So, only Ronaldo gets to learn real-football. And, they aren’t nearly as good without Ronaldo. Did you see them against Mexico? They made Mexico look slightly below average. It was such an improvement for Mexico.

The strategy for defending Ronaldo is simple. Just elbow him in the back whenever he jumps in the air and such. This obviously doesn’t work all the time because the guy is really good. But, you’ve gotta try. The rest of the team is like any other maybe-will-maybe-won’t advance team. And, that’s why they weren’t allowed to play football with the Jets. Because the Jets were afraid they would lose to a bunch of nobodies.

Germany is really good at this whole soccer thing. They’ve finished 2nd, 3rd and 3rd in the last three World Cup’s. They come into this World Cup essentially without a striker. Miroslav Klose is the only straight up striker on the roster. And, I can’t imagine they would bother with playing him a lot. Lukas Podolski is kind of a forward, not really a midfielder, but, at this point, he probably won’t play much either and is more famous, to me at least, for looking like an idiot in this German music video.

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