Ann Coulter wrote a soccer piece this week. In which, she painfully works her way through a thousand words with the kind of energy that can only give off the vibe of someone who hates writing. And, Freedom. But, not soccer. After reading the article I genuinely have no idea of Coulter’s true feelings on soccer. At best, she’s indifferent to the sport. She doesn’t hate it. If you hate something, you’re going to come up with reasons to hate it other than recycled concepts that are decades old. A Google search of “Ann Coulter soccer” shows that the article has picked up mainstream traction. But, not so much among soccer fans.
So, how did an article clearly designed to troll soccer fans and Patriots fail so fuckin’ hard?
(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer.
She’s got a list. And, she opens with this hot take. You know it’s a hot take because it has no relevance to anything to do with soccer. Proper trolling is all about hanging around the periphery. She’s failed here.
There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised.
With this statement, she clearly shows her hatred for John Brooks. An American Hero if I’ve ever seen one.
Again, the thing about trolling is that you need to relate it somewhat back to the actual thing you want people to go crazy about. You can’t troll people watching soccer and then give an opinion based on what you saw while driving your car past a soccer field full of children having fun and eating orange slices.
(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.
I guess you could say this is a saavy veteran move, as she transitions trolling soccer fans and people who like America into attempting to troll, whom? Women?
(3) No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer.
I know, right?!
Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.
Yeah! Fuck You Lionel Messi. Sittin’ on the field after a soccer game just straight loungin’ with your capri sun like you’ve done something.