Understanding the Champions League Draw by using Breaking Bad Quotes
A lot of places are going to break down the Champions League draw in amazing fashion. Not here. This should be fun, though, right? Also, apologies in advance for leaving out your favorite Breaking Bad quote. Of course doing that is inevitable. Zero apologies to anyone who doesn’t understand this because they haven’t watched enough Breaking Bad yet. What are you waiting for?
Also, I should say, spoilers. I took the name away from one quote in particular to try and avoid that.
“This kicks like a mule with its balls wrapped in duct tape!” – Tuco Salamanaca
Group A: Manchester United, Shakhtar Donetsk, Bayer Leverkusen, Real Sociedad
This quote might not best fit Shakhtar after they’ve sold off some players since last fall, and figure to find themselves as a weaker club…but, because of that, this group is a bit more wide open. Sociedad should be a fun attacking team. Shakhtar have a lot of Brazilians and should be fun, but, I don’t think there’s a real clear favorite for 2nd here. Wide open and fun after United.
“You are not the guy. You’re not capable of being the guy. I had a guy, but now I don’t. You are not the guy.” – Mike Ehrmantraut
Group B: Real Madrid, Juventus, Galatasaray, FC Copenhagen
I’m mainly using the quote to hit on Real Madrid. Madrid is not the favorite of this tournament. Despite Cristiano Ronaldo. Despite the stage and acquisition of Bale. They are not. They are a bit disoriented despite their massive talent and potential. They have already added Isco into a situation that has not exactly given him a perfect role, and now they add Bale into that mix. Where do they all play? Madrid is the class of this group, but, a lot of the first half of the season is going to be about finding themselves, becoming the guy, and being in a position to have a shot when the Knock-Out rounds come next year.
“Don Eladio is dead. His capos are dead. You have no one left to fight for. Fill your pockets and leave in peace. Or fight me and die!” – Gus Fring
Group C: Benfica, Paris St Germain, Olympiakos, Anderlecht
PSG should roll through this group, right?
“If you try to interfere, this becomes a much simpler matter. I will kill your wife. I will kill your son. I will kill your infant daughter.” – Gus Fring
Group D: Bayern Munich, CSKA Moscow, Manchester City, Viktoria Plzen
Seriously, Bayern is the class of this group, even with City in there. City will have to overcome their struggles from Champions League that led to a change in manager, but, this is Bayern’s group to take out.
Additional Group D Quote!
You are a wealthy man now. One must learn to be rich. To be poor, anyone can manage. – Gus Fring
Time to step up, City. Make your wealth work on the proper levels.
Jesse: You either run from things, or you face them, Mr. White.
Walt: And what exactly does that mean?
Jesse: I learned it in rehab. It’s all about accepting who you really are. I accept who I am.
Walt: And who are you?
Jesse: I’m the bad guy.
Group E: Chelsea, Schalke, Basel, Steaua Bucharest
That quote is all about Chelsea. Look, they buy their way to the top. We all knew that. Snatching (not stealing, don’t say stealing) Willian when he was on the medical table at Spurs affirms that Chelsea are truly ready to just say the hell with trying to get adoration. Same with that game against United. They are on no one else’s terms, and they are the bad guy. Jose Mourinho is embracing that. Hopefully they show no mercy in slicing through this group.
Jesse: Okay. You need to cut out all your loser cry-baby crap RIGHT NOW and think of something SCIENTIFIC.
Walt: Something scientific? Right.
Jesse: What? Come on! Man, you’re smart. You made poison out of beans, yo. Look, we got, we got an entire lab right here. Alright? How about you pick some of these chemicals and mix up some rocket fuel? That way you could just send up a signal flare. Or you make some kind of robot to get us help, or a homing device, or build a new battery, or… Wait. No. What if we just take some stuff off of the RV and build it into something completely different? You know, like a… Like a dune buggy. That way, we can just dune buggy or… What? Hey? What is it? What?…..What? Hey? What is it? What?
Walt: Do you, do you have any money? Change, I mean. Coins.
Jesse: Yeah, I got a bunch of them. From the…
Walt: Gather them, and, and, and the washers and nuts and bolts and screws and whatever little pieces of metal we can think of that is galvanized. It has to be galvanized, or solid zinc.
Jesse: Solid zinc, okay.
Walt: And, and bring me, bring me brake pads. The front wheels should have discs. Take them off and bring them to me.
Jesse: Alright, brake pads. Okay. What are we building?
Walt: You said it yourself.
Jesse: A robot?
Group F: Arsenal, Marseille, Borussia Dortmund, Napoli
That is my favorite moment from Breaking Bad. And, as such, that’s why you get it in it’s entirety. Calling this the Group of Death might be silly. Arsenal is no longer a real legitimate power club. Napoli have progressed quite a bit and will be dangerous. But, neither is at a point right now to truly make this a group of death. But, it will take some saavy maneuvering and creativity to get out of this group. Dortmund will expect to win it. Arsenal and Napoli both will expect to advance. It’s a tough group, for sure, and they’ll need to be smart to advance.
Runner up Quote!
Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.
For Arsenal! When they’re getting eliminated and people won’t shut up about it.
As to your dead guy, occupational hazard. Drug dealer getting shot? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it’s been known to happen. – Saul Goodman
Group G: Porto, Atletico Madrid, Zenit St Petersburg, Austria Vienna
What will Porto be like without James Rodriguez and Joao Moutinho? Sold to Monaco. What will Atletico be like without Falcoa? Sold to Monaco. What will Zenit be like without Igor Denisov and if they were to sell Hulk? Probably all still better than Austria Vienna.
Zenit and Porto should be a good battle for second.
“You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No! I am the one who knocks!”
Group H: Barcelona, AC Milan, Ajax, Celtic
No team besides Barcelona deserves the Walter White treatment. So, there you go. And, this is especially appropriate since I think this will be a group that will produce a lot of competitive, entertaining games. But, don’t confuse that for those teams opening the door and shooting Barcelona.
Runner up Quote!
Gatorade me bitch!
Because, this group should be the most fun. AND, I couldn’t get through this piece without using that line.